Oh the things I wish I could say to you.
This is all sinking in at once. I had tried to suppress it in my mind for almost two months. Maybe I was in denial, maybe I was really in shock.
Well now, I am exploding of sadness, fear, and hopelessness.
I just don’t see life the same way anymore; as if I needed another reason to hate it. I don’t know if I ever will be happy again.. and that scares me. It scares me because what if I want to choose giving up instead of striving to keep alive. What if everything becomes so overwhelming and all I want to do is give up and can’t stop myself? What if I just keep living everyday for now on with a painfully fake smile on my face?
It pains me so much when people ask how I am because all I can say back is “good”. But in reality, I’m not good. I’m not okay. I am hurting. I am suffering. I am out right miserable.
I can only describe this feeling as a constant dull pain in your chest, headaches from racing scary thoughts, the feeling of being stuck and not wanting to go on, and the guilt in feeling happy.
Sleep is hard, eating is hard, waking up is hard, getting out of bed is hard.
You never realize how much grief affects a person until you’re going through it yourself. This is the most painful thing that has ever happened. There is no going back to what my life was before. There is no going back to what was important to me before. All that is important now is not giving up. All that is important is to keep living until the pain becomes less and less miserable. Is that even possible? Is it possible to have a life worth living after an incident like this?
I don’t know how people do it. But then again, having borderline personality disorder added grief x10. It hurts so badly and no one understands to the extent of what I’m feeling. They don’t understand I am falling apart before their eyes.